Grey's Anatomy - the emotions

I burst out crying right after the last show of Grey's Anatomy. The one where Izzie finally admitted to everyone she has metastatic cancer. The episode was about how doctors can make mistakes and it can take away lives. They live with the guilt of it forever and ever more. They learn to deal with their emotions and then move on and then off they go working hard to save another life.

When I was a medical student, I studied hard and worked hard. When I started residency almost a year now, I have never stopped working hard. I study because I worry that one day it might just be my fault. My fault leading to a patient's death. I can't imagine if a family member of mine were to pass away because of a doctor's error.

I remember the first child that died on my care. I wasn't at fault. The disease progression, there was nothing to be done. It was a horrid disease, she was just a toddler, she just learned to walk months before. She was the most adorable little thing ever. She was struck with a disease that there is no treatment for.

I remember, watching, watching her die. Memories of her forever engrained in me. Since she died, I remember thinking over and over again, wishing there was something that could be done.

In a chid with a disease that there is no cure, she died, and I feel this immense guilt. Even though I shouldn't be feeling guilty, as there were nothing to be done, I couldn't help it. I wished somehow that I know of a cure to help her and the family. Her parents thanked me for being there and helping through the tough time. It just made me feel even worse. I wanted to help but I couldn't.

I can't imagine how horrible it would be if something I did leads to a patient's death like in Grey's. I broke down and cried because I fear this day. I don't want to see that day. This is why I study and I read and read and read. Because it scares me. It scares me so much.